Suddenly she discovered … a superb diamond necklace. And her heart throbbed with an immoderate desire. She fastened it around her throat … and was lost in ecstasy at her reflection in the mirror.
― Guy de Maupassant, The Necklace
Life is so ironic, isn’t it? A tiny spark in my heart controls my actions and changes my life.
At an academic conference not long ago, I spoke about adolescent mental health. As I prepared for the presentation, I had a Zoom meeting with other presenters. We were preparing for the rehearsal.
While I was at the meeting, I felt inferior. It was because everyone else’s careers were great except mine. They were mostly professors. As a freelance instructor, I felt ashamed. There was a sense to me that the people in that meeting were trying to build a career at the expense of their personal lives. Meanwhile, my career was cut off after marriage, and I felt like a pathetic person who was dominated by emotions and didn’t make any effort.
After realizing this, I almost immediately wanted to do well in rehearsal. My goal was to prove to them that I was smarter than them. I wanted to beat all the presenters.
The moment this thought came to me, I was shocked. I remember exactly 5 years ago when this happened to me. I gave a presentation at a meeting of about 100 meditation teachers. A fellow teacher gave me sharp feedback after seeing my rehearsal, which had been poorly prepared.
My life changed on that day. In order to recover my sense of inferiority, I fought every day with that illusionary fellow teacher who gave me feedback at worst. I worked hard to improve my skills.
Whenever I did something, she and I censored it in my imagination. It obsessed with me how logical I was and how my lessons were irrefutable.
“She removed the wraps, which covered her shoulders, before the glass, so as once more to see herself in all her glory. But suddenly she uttered a cry. She had no longer the necklace around her neck!”
― Guy de Maupassant, The Necklace
That’s how I fought my inferiority complex for five years.
While raising my kids, I worked with less sleep. My skills have also improved.
In preparing for the academic conference last week, I met myself again, engulfed in inferiority. Once I realized my inferiority complex was dictating my behavior and my life, I felt a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders.
Then my body went relaxed. It was comfortable and loose at the same time. No longer did I have to compete with other presenters to satisfy my inferiority complex. At the same time, I was disappointed in myself for working so hard for the past five years to create good classes because of my inferiority. I thought I was trying so hard for the students. I thought I was sacrificing myself for my students’ mental health.
I took a few days off after I finished my presentation at the conference. Feels like being freed from shackles. Honestly, I have no idea what to do. So I don’t have to try too hard.
I hope my heart for fighting and winning has gone, so I can help others without expecting anything in return.
